the skeleton closet grimoire
Dark Musings from J.R. Blanes
02/25/2026: A New Brood of Vampire Novels Have Proved to Me That Vampires Don't Suck
Okay, I’ll admit it. I used to think vampires sucked–and I don’t mean suck blood. Even before the age of glittery Twilight and soapy teenage diaries about emo vampires came along. When I was kid, I loved the Universal Monsters, but my least favorite–you guessed it–Dracula. Nothing against Bela Lugosi, but his fanged night dweller didn’t make me swoon like so many others. I didn’t care for the famous novel by Bram Stoker either. Much preferred Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Where her monster made me cry, Dracula just sort of made me want to push a stake in my heart. While the rest of my high school buds in the 90s devoured Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles, I read Interview –and though I enjoyed it–didn’t read anymore in the series. Still haven’t.
What is it about vampires I don’t like? For one thing, they’re portrayed as invincible, but yet die when touched by the sun or…garlic? They all felt the same: Need blood to survive. Live in castles. Extremely beautiful, even though they can’t see their own reflection. You can’t tell me they wouldn’t have messy hair or eye boogers upon waking from their coffins. I give the creators of What We Do In The Shadows for finally seeing the humor in the invisible reflection. Maybe it was because vampires are inherently romantic and, especially at a young age, I wanted my monsters to be terrifying.
(Spoiler Alert)
But this year, I read several vampire novels that sunk their teeth into me. The first was an oldie but one I’d never read before: I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. In this intense novel, it is not the vampires who are the haunters, but the sole remaining human, Robert Neville. He stalks them during the daylights, killing them with stakes, and studying them in hopes of finding a cure for the bacteria strain. It’s Neville’s research that I find most interesting about this novel. His experiments and the science behind their origins, behavior, and aversions to such things as sunlight. You could argue that Van Helsing did this too, but it’s only told to us and not shown. Treating the vampires like a disease that needs to be cured drew me in the struggles of Neville’s frustrations and defeats. It also made him a competent foe for the vampires.
If you’re not reading Rachel Harrison then do yourself a favor and start. There’s no better place than her vampire novel, So Thirsty. This isn’t just a story about vampires. This is a story about a middle-aged woman who finds that her life is, well, lifeless. Through her main character, Sloane, Harrison delves into the themes of the difficulties of aging, especially for women, because of society’s values on beauty and youth. Why would any woman want to look in a mirror when we’re constantly holding one up to them through advertisment, employment, stereotypes, and dismissive men, making them already invisible. In her novel, Harrison takes this power back by showing Sloane and her friend, Naomi, (I love this relationship so much) breaking the barriers civilization has put around them by indulging in the pleasures of life has tried to take from them for just being older women. For me, this where the true horror lies. Though I’m not a woman, I have felt invincible in my life and it’s draining on your emotions. Harrison brings this anxiety to life in a book about the undead. And don’t think she doesn’t lean into the gore either. This may be the bloodiest book on this list.
I will be truly suprised if Stephen Graham Jones’ Buffalo Hunter Hunter doesn’t win the Stoker Award. It deserves to. I’ve already talked about this book on the Check Your Shelf Podcast, which you can watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TR6JeoWcW4 This novel reimagines the vampire novel as a western from the eyes of Native Americans. It also reimagines the vampire. The main character Good Stab is bitten by a white vampire, which leads him to struggle with identity. He deals with his confusion by taking revenge on the white settlers who are massacring the buffalos along with indigenous tribes. In doing so, Jones takes back history for his people by creating a saga that avenges the wrongs that were done to the Native American people. Because of this, Jones turns the vampire into a hero, one I rooted for. He also uses, what I’ll call, the Frankenstein trope, in that Good Stab is aware of his monstrousness, leading him to live a solitary existence, other than his interactions with the other main character, a Lutheran Pastor. Jones takes vampirism and transforms it into a beast of his own making: a historical rendering of colonization and genocide.
Lastly, I want to talk about Coffin Moon by Keith Rosson. This novel portrays vampires what I’ve always wanted them to be: Addicts who cannot escape their addiction no matter how hard they try. Set in the 70s, at the height of the drug epidemic–with a vampire who also is a drug dealer–Rosson paints a murky landscape of the American Northwest, that is as desolate as the roads his characters must travel to survive on their tour of revenge. Yes, the vampires in this novel can be killing machines, but they don’t seek blood for pleasure. They drink it to stop the excruciating pain the will have to endure if they don’t get their fix. Without blood, they become weak creatures who have to live inside places like an abandoned children’s museum–one of the best scenes out of any novel I’ve read–like junkies who have lost everything due to their dependence. Because of this need, innocence are slaughtered. This includes the family of Vietnam Vet, Duane Minor, and his niece, Julia, who must embark on a harrowing journey to kill John Varley, a vampire gangster. Even though this is a supernatural vampire novel, it is the most human I’ve ever read, exploring themes of grief and loss of humanity.
Vampires are still not my favorite monster, but they definitely don’t suck. These four novels proved me wrong. Now I’m looking forward to sinking my teeth in another original take on our undead fiends–as long as they don’t sparkle.
10/03/2025: Just 18 Days 'Til Decay – A "Thank You" to Reviewers
We’re just 18 days away from the release of my debut novel, Portraits of Decay, via Ruadán Books… and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t having to pinch myself each morning just to make sure this is really happening.
I can’t wait to introduce you all to the increasingly corrupted world of Jefferson, Gemma, Nevaeh, and everyone who gets caught up in their maelstrom of madness. If you haven’t yet, be sure to pre-order your copy right here for exclusive bonus goodies!
Today, I’d like to give my sincere thanks to all who have taken the time to read an ARC of the book and leave a review. You honestly don’t know how much it means to both myself and my publisher – and your comments have been immensely energizing.
Here are a few snippets!
Portraits of Decay succeeds as a visceral exploration of obsession and revenge, and it captures the haunting atmosphere of Southern Gothic horror with precision.
This book had me feeling all of the emotions and the experience as a whole was so enjoyable. I caught myself wanting to see the scenes play out with actors rather than just in my head. This book is amazing and I highly recommend it! I cant wait to read more from this author!
The characters are brilliantly flawed. They're all full of ego, yet their human weaknesses are on full display, making their struggles with success and failure feel incredibly real. The New Orleans art scene provides a perfect, and increasingly deranged, backdrop. I particularly loved the moments that ventured into the bayou.
Though juggling multiple lead characters with alternating points of view felt like a risk at first, J.R. Blanes expertly braids their narratives together. What makes this story so compelling is that the characters are fully aware of their own looming downfall.
This is just a small selection out of everybody I should thank, so I’ll just say it again collectively:
Thank you so much!
As for you, dear reader, go grab your copy of Portraits of Decay right now.
The bayou calls.
Don’t keep the witch waiting.
01/13/2024: New Year, New Resolutions For Me and You Too
Goodbye 2024, Hello 2025. Time to move past last year’s disappointments and walk into the new year with newbound optimism. Now, I’m not the type of person to normally make resolutions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t set goals, especially writing goals. Time to step up my game. If you’re in the same boat, here are some resolutions you can make.
Last year I was short-listed several times at popular magazines (Nightmare, Cosmic Horror Monthly, Allegory). It was at the same invigorating and completely disappointing. I know I’m on the right track, but now the questions lingers–what do I have to do to break through? The only answer. Sharpen my writing skills and reach to be even more original than the stuff I was writing before.
Maybe you’re in a similar boat. How do you go about sharpening you skills? Here are some places you can start:
1. Take a Writing Class or Workshop: I’m taking The Advanced Creative Writing Workshop with my friend and the author of Incarnate. It’s always a good thing to take a class to get your creative juices flowing. First of all, it give you deadlines to aim for as you begin working on new material. In a workshop, you’ll get constructive feedback that can give you different views in which to look at your story, and show you places where maybe you can strengthen your story. It’s always good to have another set of eyes read your work. As writers, we get too close to our own stories that’s its hard for us to always see the flaws. It’s like when you first start dating someone and you envision them as this perfect being. Then the novelty of dating wears off and all of sudden their flaws appear like oozing scabs. Same can happen with your stories.
Maybe you’re not quite ready for a workshop. You just want to hone your skills. There are several places in which to do that. You can go onto Autocrit Academy and join one of their classes. Storyville offers several courses on story mechanics and writing dark fiction. Maybe you feel you’ve done those already and are ready to up your game. Try submitting to elite workshops like Odyssey and Clarion. These are tough to get into–I’ve never been accepted–but its worth a shot. Just don’t get frustrated if you don’t make it. You have other options.
2. Find a mentorship. I’ve been blessed to be working with two great writers for mentorship. One of them is Gareth Jones who I actually met through Autocrit’s Nightmare Fuel. I’ve been working with him for several years now and I don’t think my writing would be where it is without him. Imagine having an editor look at your work on a weekly basis. Now, you have to grow a thick skin (read my entry about building exoskeleton from last July) and be willing to take advice. Otherwise, you’re never going to get better. But having a mentor not only holds you accountable, but keeps you motivated and focused. Since I’ve had Gareth as a mentor I’ve finished two novels (one that is shortlisted at several independent publishers, and one I’m going to start querying this year).
You might be asking: Where can I find a mentorship? Taking classes as I suggested above is a good place to meet teachers who sometimes offer mentorships. The Horror Writers Association also offers mentorships from premier authors. I’m actually taking one with Cynthia Pelayo (author of Forgotten Sisters and Vanishing Daughters.) These usually run for the first half of any given year (from January to May). There are several other places online that offer writing coaching and mentorship programs. Just make sure that you research them before to make certain they are legit.
3. Start a Writer’s Group: If you haven’t done this already then you definitely should. I’m blessed by having–in my opinion–the best writer’s group in the world. We’re going on our third–or is fourth?–year together and I definitely wouldn’t be where I am in my writing without them. They’re honest and don’t pull punches when it comes to critique. But that’s because we trust one another. We know that we’re not in competition with each other, but a team that supports each other. When I was down last year because it felt like I couldn’t publish a story to save my life they gave me the confidence to keep submitting. And that’s what a good writer’s group does. You celebrate each other’s victories and crawl through the mud together when you face defeats. And if you’re going to be a writer you better get used to some defeats. Once again, read my July posts about growing an exoskeleton. It talks all about dealing with rejection.
Great way to start a writer’s group is by taking classes and meeting like-minded writer’s. If you can’t afford, or don’t have time to take classes, there are several writing communities online. Check your local networks as well. Horror Writers Association has local chapters as well that might help you find writers to start a group. I’m sure the Sci-Fi/Fantasty and Romance Associations do too. Grab people whose work you’re going to enjoy reading and who are on the similar levels to your writing skill. People who you can trust to be honest, but who are not just going to rip your stories apart to make themselves feel better. People who you can grow together with in your writing journey.
4. Read Craft Books. There are several craft books out there. Though Stephen King’s On Writing is great, don’t stop there. There are a plethora to choose from. Some that teach the broad mechanics, others that concentrate on more specific skills like structure or writing emotion. You don’t have to take everything they say to heart–and you may even find that writing books will contradict each other–but take what you find helps you with your writing. Try out the exercises they suggest. You may find it gets you out of your comfort zone or you may discover a skill you’d never had before and quite enjoy.
5. Read and Write. This may seem like common sense, and yes, many writers will give you the same advice, but that’s because it’s true. Read books in your genre, but read books outside your genre as well. Read novels and novellas and short stories. Read the Best ofs (Horror, Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Literary) and critique them like you would members in your workshop or group. This is an exercise I learned in Richard Thomas’ class and it really broadened my horizon and helped me to read more critically. You’ll figure out what in storytelling works for you and what doesn’t and why. You’ll find by doing this you’re honing your own editorial talents and be able to look at your own work more critically.
But don’t forget to leave time to write. As with any skill, the only way to get better is to practice…and practice a lot. Not everything you write is going to see print. And that’s okay. Sometimes you just need to sit down at the computer to motivate the imagination. Don’t wait for the muse to speak to you. Shake that muse and tell it wake up. You’re ready to go. Make this a habit. Even if it’s only twenty minutes a day. I’m not saying you have to write every day–we are not all blessed with that kind of time–but you should be trying for at least a few hours every week. I guarantee once you sit down you’ll find hours will go by as you create your next story.
New years is a time for renewed goals. Renewed energy. Renewed optimism. Even someone like me who has been writing for a long time needs to some times take a step back and give myself a pep talk to motivate myself to write. So you could say this blog entry is as much for me as it is for you. Just make sure, unlike that gym membership you bought but never go, that you keep at it. Stories are not going to write and publish themselves. It takes lots of hard work and dedication. So plant your butts in that chair, flip on the computer, stretch those fingers, and start creating.
12/09/2024: A Year in Review
Well, what can we say about 2024? It wasn’t the best year. America proved its idiocy by electing a temper trantrum throwing baby to the highest office. Russia kicked in Ukraine’s door and Ukraine punched them in the mouth. Hamas and Israel are still at each other’s throats like vengeful siblings in a Shakespearean play. A Godzilla sized earthquake shook Japan. A sixty-year-old woman died falling into a sinkhole while looking for her cat (fodder for a story).
Okay, lets not make this about the ever crumbling world…
On a personal note, there were some highs and lows. I queried my first novel and I’m currently shortlisted at two independent publishers. Hoping one of them will give me the okay any day now. I’ve nearly completed my second novel, which I will be querying next year. Here’s to hoping that they will both see the light of day soon and you, my amazing subscribers and fans, will have it in your horror-hungry hands soon.
I completed 7 short stories. Still, might be able to get one more done by the end of the year. I was shortlisted at 11 different magazines and anthologies. Unfortunately, that comes with the sad news that I was rejected by 9. Word still out on 2. This doesn’t count the publishers for the novel. My story “A Smile For Your Suffering” was accepted and published at Creepy Podcast. Head on over to my Publications page and give it a listen. The narration by Atticus Jackson is top notch.
Other highlights: I attended my first Stokercon in San Diego this year. I met some amazing people including Keith Rosson, Clay McCleod Chapman, Nat Cassidy, and Jo Kaplan, just to name a few. I also got to finally meet in person three of my writing group members. Two at Stokercon and one who came to Chicago. They’re the coolest people and I’m glad to call them my friends. I did my first novel pitch. It was nerve-wracking, but ultimately rewarding as I’m still waiting to hear back from one of the publishers. Looking forward to doing that again this year in Connecticut with my novel that takes place in–you guessed it–Connecticut.
I saw a theatrical version of Misery. If you want to read my review just scroll below. It was a real treat for Halloween. I’m hoping to see more horror on the stage in the upcoming year.
I want to give a shoutout to my friend and mentor Gareth Jones. Without his guidance and murderous line edits, my stories would not be where they are. His time and dedication to my work is unmatched. Secondly, I want to give a shout out to my writer’s group, formed of Melody Von Smith, Angela Zowtuck, CJ Goldberg, and our newest member Patrick Behan. Their honest feedback–even when I’m being a bitch–has constantly improved my writing over the course of the last few years. I also get the pleasure of reading all five of these people’s writing and I’m forward to celebrating their publishing victories in 2025.
Got to take Richard Thomas’ Advanced Writing Workshop this last winter and will be doing it again in 2025. If you’re writer and you haven’t taken any of his classes I highly recommend them. They fill up fast, so sign up whenever they’re available. I’m looking forward to meeting new writers in the class and reading the best horror, sci-fi/fantasy, and literary stories out there.
I will say that it’s been a great year for horror. Several new novels dropped by some of my favorite writers (scroll below and check out my Summer and Halloween reading lists for any recommendations). I haven’t had the pleasure to read them all yet, but I’m making my way through them. It’s been a real pleasure to read authors published by the best Independent Publishing Houses (Eerie River, Horrorsmith, Cemetery Dance, Wicked House, Crystal Lake, just to name a few). Please check out what they’re doing. I promise you won’t be disappointed.
I don’t have a crystal ball so I don’t know what this next year will bring. Probably like all years it will be a mixed bag of good and bad, happy and sad, horrific and strange. What I do know is I’m planning to go even harder next year trying to put my work out there. I will be adding some new pages to this site as well. Before I sound off, I want to thank everyone who subscribes to my website. Everyone who takes a few minutes out of their busy lives to check out my writing, whether its new stories or this blog.
You make doing this worth it. I hope that you’re entertained. And if you are, tell some friends. I’d like to give them nightmares too.
See you around in 2025.
11/19/2024: Misery Comes to the American Blues Theater and Breaks Legs
The moment I saw the stage at the American Blues Theater (5627 N Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL), I knew I was in for a special performance. The production crew had set it up to resemble Annie Wilkes’s home from the film version. Half of the stage was a bedroom: a rickety bed with rustic, threadbare blankets where Paul Sheldon would suffer; religious decorations covering the walls (reminded me of an Air B’n’B my wife and I once stayed in Indiana); a table that would eventually hold an vintage typewriter where Paul would write the next Misery novel for his number one fan. The other half was a country-style kitchen; I swear I could smell the lingering scents of red beans and rice, corbread and greens. Thankfully I’d eaten before the show. A door led to the outside. Piles of fake snow in the tiny square “yard.” The play hadn’t even started yet, but I was anxiously stirring in my seat. I think my wife even asked me to sit still.
Blessed to live in a city with a thriving theater scene, I’ve seen numerous stage adaptations of some of my favorite books (1984, Kafka on the Shore, Jonathan Lethem’s short story collection, Men and Cartoons), but I can’t recall having scene a horror adaptation. And I’d definitely never seen a Stephen King adaptation. I was super-excited they were doing one of my favorite King novels, and my second-favorite film (sorry, Pet Sematary (1989) still takes first place), Misery. But I had one big question: How were they going to pull off the scene? You know the one I’m talking about.
One of the most successful and intriguing changes of award-winning director, Halena Kays’s, production was casting a black woman as Annie Wilkes. I’m all for diversity in casts, but this also allowed Kay to tie Annie Wilkes closer to the Misery novels, as the heroine spends much of her time in captivity in Africa in Sheldon’s novels. This casting further delved into the African subtext that King explored in his 1987 novel. As journalist Dawn Keetly correctly explains in her article, “Misery’s Influence: Race and Blumhouse Delivered”, “As Paul maps his own experience onto the fictional African adventures of Misery, his captor Annie Wilkes becomes a powerful African idol, a goddess.” And a goddess Joseph Jefferson Award nominated actress Wandachristine is. She perfectly captured Annie Wilkes’s bipolar disorder, snapping from rural charm to violent in the flick of a switch. Wandachristine both charmed and terrified the audience, her lips sliding from adoring smile to menacing frown. She stole my heart when she said she wanted to take care of Paul and nurse him to health. Ripped it out when she threatened to harm Paul in the most vicious of manners, the satisfaction she got from watching as he suffered from the injuries from his car accident when she refused to give him his painkillers. Wandachristine is certaintly an actress I will be looking out for in future productions. Not to take anything away from the extraordinary Kathy Bates, but now when I think of Annie Wilkes, it’s Wandachristine I’ll see.
Actor Steven Key as Paul Sheldon was equal to the task. The chemistry between the two was like watching a chess match between Byrne and Fischer, each trying to outwit the other in a game where losing might mean your life. At times, they spoke sincerely as star-crossed lovers, while other times they snapped at each other’s faces like vicious dogs. One of the most intense scenes was when Annie storms from the house to get him the “correct” typing paper he asked for. While she’s gone, Paul manuevers his wheelchair in attempt to escape. When he finds the doors locked, he tries to steal the painkillers from the cupboard, but fails when Annie arrives home, barely making it back to the room in time. Still, Annie discoveres his attempt and punishes him dearly for it. You know what I’m talking about!
Yes, that scene.
As Annie placed the log between Paul’s ankles, the intensity in the room measured in the squeaking of seats and the shaky inhales of breath (except the woman in the row behind us who kept asking her friend what was happening. She obviously had not read the book or seen the movie before. She was in for a treat). I have to give it to lightinng and sound designers Joe Court and Michael Trudeau. They captured the sinister tones throughout King’s story, but never more than in this harrowing moment, shading the stage in deep blues as Annie raised the sledgehammer and Paul cried for mercy. I clung to the arms of my seat. Gritted my teeth. Then Annie swung the hammer into Paul’s ankle–Crack! That crack snapped my spine straight. Snapped my teeth together. Snapped the woman seated behind me’s mind. (Oh my Gaaawwd! she shouted. I can’t believe they showed that.)
But they did. And I loved the production even more for it. For how many plays can say the broke a leg.
Don’t worry, Steven Key was fine. I know, he stood later without a cane to take a well-deserved bow.
This production of Misery is one of my highlights of this year. It renewed my love for the theater. It renewed my love for horror. It renewed my love for Stephen King. For though there are many adaptations of his books that completely missed the mark, occasionally one of them knocks you upside the head with a typewriter and leaves you dizzy.
10/18/2024: 10 Books for the Halloween Season
Halloween is upon us again, full of creepy monsters, murderous psychopaths, and whispers of the supernatural. The time when trees shed their colorful leaves. A time when children roam the night, playing tricks for candy. A time when publications release a slew of new horror books. And this year is no different. If anything, it’s a bag full of delicious treats for our eyes and minds to snack on.
So, without further ado, here is my top ten booklist for Halloween. (I have not read all these books, many of them just released, but all are ones I’m exicted about.)
1. The Devil By Name by Keith Rosson. If you haven’t read Fever House, I suggest you take on that beast first. I’m currently reading the second book in the duology and, just like its predecessor, it’s a bloody good time. Just don’t lose a hand or an eye over it.
2. Incarnate by Richard Thomas. Just finished this one a week or so ago. If you enjoy lovecraftian sin-eater tales set in a remote polar area of Alaska then you need to take a bite of his novel! It has monsters, both inhuman and human, and tons of delicious recipes to quench your appetite for terror.
3. The Night Guest by Hildur Knutsdottir. I was given a free copy of this novel at Stokercon and wow! If you suffer from hypochondria–which I do–then this novel might give you a panic attack. Or maybe soothe you in knowing others are tortured by this affliction. Either way, it’s a short, punchy read.
4. So Thirsty by Rachel Harrison. I haven’t read this one, but I love what Rachel does. Her novels tend to be on the lighter side of horror, but they’re packed full of drama and laughs. This is another one I’m dying to stick my teeth into.
5. Kill Your Darling by Clay McCleod Chapman. This is another page-turner by a true master of horror. This seems to be more of a thriller than Clay’s other work, but is novels are always full of surprises. So who knows what you’ll get. It’s also being published by Bad Hand Books, who are doing some amazing things in horror and literature.
6. Not a Speck of Light by Laird Barron. If you’ve never read Laird Baron then you’re missing out. This is a collection of sixteen weird tales of the macabre. Definitely on my list to read in the coming weeks.
7. When the Wolf Comes Home by Nat Cassidy. Nat’s novel The Nestlings is one of the best and original vampire novels I’ve ever read. I expect no less from When the Wolf Comes Home. Don’t know if its about werewolves, but it sounds like a road novel, about a woman and young boy trying to escape his murderous father. Either way, I’m intrigued and can’t wait to go on this trip.
8. A Light on the Bayou by C.S. Magnuson. If you’re not reading the books that Horrorsmith Publishing is releasing then you’re missing out. C.S. Magnuson’s book Dark Things Crawl Out about four men stuck in a jail while creatures attack the town around them was claustrophobically horrifying. I expect no less from her latest offering, about a woman who escaped her past only to be haunted by it years later.
9. A Mask of Flies by Matthew Lyons. Maybe crime-horror is more of your speed. Well, Matthew Lyons pulls no stops when it comes to delivering a punch…or a bullet. A criminal takes a cop hostage after a failed bank robbery only to find that the police are not the only thing hunting them.
10. Crypt of the Moon Spider by Nathan Ballingrud. After reading his early collection, North American Lake Monsters, I’ve quickly become a fan of Ballingrud’s work. I have yet to read a novel by him, but this one is high on my list. A dark fantasy that spins a web of terror about giant spiders, experimental treatments for depression, and a cave worshipping cult.
09/16/2024: Don't Worry That You Don't Have Time to Write, Now There is AI
For years now, I’ve stopped mentioning I’m a writer in conversation, especially around people I don’t know.
Why is this? Because, inevitably, as soon as somewhere hears it, they want to tell me all about the great idea they have for a novel, as if I’m suddenly going to break out my computer and write it for them. When I ask them why they haven’t written it yet, they’ll make some excuse, like they don’t have the time or they’re too busy.
Maybe this is true. It’s hard finding time to write when you’re working a full-time job or you have children to raise. I get it. I have a full-time job too. I don’t have children, but there were a few years when my wife’s kids lived with us. I’ve also spent the last several years helping take care of my mother-in-law. We have an extremely needy dog who has many health issues and a cat who, well, is just a pain in the ass.
While I’ve been juggling all these responsibilities, I’ve managed to finish writing two novels (one I’m currently querying), currently working on a third, and completed I-don’t-know-how-many short stories and even managed to find homes for a few at publications and podcasts while racking up a plethora of rejections. Oh, I also run my own author website. I’m still not making big enough bucks to pay someone to do that yet. And I quite enjoy it.
But, again… I get it. You’re too busy, and as soon as you have all types of free time, you’re going to sit down and write that Great American Novel we’ve all been salivating to read.
Well, now you don’t have to worry about ever writing that novel! You can just let AI do it for you. You can put your name on a jacket cover, say “I wrote that,” sell it on Amazon, and rake in the dough (*cough *cough) without sitting in front of your computer for hours and racking your brain to create interesting characters, intriguing plots, beautiful settings, and meaningful themes.
Don’t want to stare at a beeping cursor, desperately searching for the next sentence? Don’t worry. Let AI do it!
Scared your novel might stall in the dreadful middle chapters? No problem. Let AI do it!
Not sure how you’re going to end this mess of a manuscript? Why stress? AI can do it!
It’s all at your fingertips. Just not your writing fingertips. By simply programming a robot, you too can be your very own James Patterson or Tom Clancy. That’s right, just like them, you no longer need to write a novel to say “I wrote a novel.” You just have AI write the damn thing for you. And you’ll still be respected by organizations like NaNoWrimo.
Who cares that you didn’t put an iota of effort into the work? It says you wrote it, and therefore, you did.
Forgive my not-so-subtle sarcasm. Sure, you could do all this and you might even be successful, but my question is: What’s the point? It’s like the Astros cheating to win the World Series. So what they got a trophy? They had to use cameras to steal the other team’s signs, which in my opinion still makes you the loser.
No matter that your name is on the book jacket, if you didn’t spend hours spilling your sweat, blood, and soul into a piece of art, and instead programmed a computer to write it for you, then you know what? The goddamn computer wrote it, not you. I don’t care if it was your idea.
It takes a whole lot more than an idea to write a novel, or a short story, or a poem. It takes patience. It takes endurance. It takes sweat and blood and tears. It takes you damn near losing your mind at some point in the process. Trust me, it’s not easy. If it was, we’d all do it, wouldn’t we?
Here’s the thing: real writers make the time to write. You want to know why? Because its in our goddamn DNA. Days where I don’t write are like going through severe withdrawal. You have to feel that pull to plop your ass in front of the computer and get down to the nitty gritty. Even when I’m not in front of my computer, typing away, I’m taking notes on an amazing description of a setting or thinking about character ideas or mulling over a novel I probably won’t write for several years because it needs to percolate in my brain.
If I’m spacing out, 9.9999 times out of 10 I’m thinking about something that has to do with writing.
The other .00001 I’m having an anxiety attack because I’m not thinking about writing.
You know what AI doesn’t have in its DNA? Writing. You know why? Because it doesn’t have DNA. It has codes that we humans program. Programming AI to write your novel doesn’t make you a writer, it makes you a programmer. So if you want to be a programmer, go write programs. Leave novels and short stories and poems to actual writers. It’s hard enough that most of us will never get the recognition we deserve for our years of dedication to our craft. The last thing we need is fake writers to take up the little space there is left.
So do us a favor: unless you want to work at becoming a real writer, use AI for something else other than writing. I’m sure there are many better uses for it than corrupting the arts with soulless garbage.
07/07/2024: All Writers Need an Exoskeleton
I don’t know if I’ve ever written a more true statement. Seriously, if you’re considering be a writer, or you already are but haven’t entered the harrowing world of submissions and publications, do yourself a favor, go to your nearest military store outlet–or check on Amazon–and buy yourself an exoskeleton. Trust me, you’re going to need it for all those dreaded REJECTION letters. I don’t care how good you are, all writers get rejected from time to time. Okay, I’m probably down playing this a bit. Expect to get rejected…A LOT!
Last month was definitely the worst month of my writing career. I was rejected a whopping 12–or was it 13?–times in a week. A week! It felt like every day I was opening my email to a publisher/agent/journal writing to say, “Hi J.R. Thank you for sending [insert title], but we’re sorry to say we won’t be accepting your story this time.” Now, I’ve been in this game for awhile. Normally, I can let this stuff roll off my shoulders and move on to the next submission. I understand that maybe this piece wasn’t the right fit for whatever reason. Sure, it stings, the pain lingers, but I usually shake it off and resubmit the story somewhere else. Or sometimes I rewrite the story if I feel maybe it needs some work before putting it back out there. Either way, I begin searching for the next prospective home to adopt my baby. But this wasn’t getting stung. This was like beating on a wasps nest until the whole damn swarm attacked my ass.
As you can imagine, I was pretty down. If I’m being honest, I was really fucking depressed. This was like being in high school and no one wants to be your friend and your relegated to the table in the dark corner of the cafeteria. Enough people reject you–no matter how nice and encouraging their letters–you start to think your work is unwanted. Then you start asking yourself, why? Are my stories unoriginal? My characters boring? My plots predictable? Does my writing just suck?
I admit, I let it get into my head. Who wouldn’t? Everything I wrote for the next few weeks I thought was garbage. I couldn’t put a sentence on paper without deleting and rewriting it several times. And that was after spending several minutes staring at my cursor beeping on a blank word document. Before long, I became convinced my writing career was over before it even really began.
Does this sound familiar to anyone? Has anyone else gone through this? If you’ve dealt with submission rejections, I bet you have. If you haven’t submitted a story yet, well, you better prepare for it. How do you do that? By slipping on your exoskeleton.
So you probably can’t buy an exoskeleton that will defend your feeble artistic soul from being stung by the dreaded rejection letter. But there are things you can do to design your own to deal with the pain and start you writing again.
1. STICK IN THERE. It takes guts to put your work out in the world, and guess what? You’re doing it. Not everyone can say that. So you got rejected this time. Get that story back out there. If a publisher offers feedback, then listen to what they have to say and consider whether maybe your story needs a little more love. But don’t just let it sit on the shelf collecting dust. Because you never know, the next publisher might love your story. Sometimes it takes a while to find a home for your baby. I’ve had stories rejected upwards of 20 times that eventually got published. I know friends who have had stories rejected 30, 40, 50 times before getting a story accepted. If anything, learn from Stephen King. He used to have his rejections nailed to his bedroom wall until they got too heavy and fell to the floor. Imagine if he gave up? Stick in there–no matter if you get rejected 12 to 13 times in a week–because eventually you’ll get accepted.
2. KEEP WRITING. But J.R., you just said what a struggle it was to get motivated again after being rejected all June? That’s true. But I kept writing. Sure, it was a struggle at first, but eventually I landed on an idea that took off. How did I do that? I decided to write something outside my comfort zone. Recreated the wheel, as they say. I figured if no one’s going to publish my horror stories then I’m going to write some real dark shit and just have fun with it. So that’s what I did. Guess what? It was fun. Which in the end is what’s really important. Don’t get me wrong, I want to publish so others can read my work, but that’s not the reason I started writing in the first place. I write because I love creating stories. Once I remembered that, nothing else mattered and the writing took off again.
3. TAKE A BREAK. Maybe you’re struggling to reconnect with your storyteller. That’s okay. There’s nothing that says you can’t take a break. I did. Take a few days off. Recharge the battery. Do something else for a while. I play bass guitar, so I delved into my music. Wrote a few songs. It was still being creative without the pressure. There are tons of things you can do–or maybe don’t do anything at all. Chill on the beach. Finish that TV series you’d been meaning to watch. Go hang with friends. Here’s the kicker though. Eventually, you have to get back to writing. Don’t use your break as an excuse not to write. Ease yourself back into it. Sit down for ten minutes and see what happens. Maybe nothing and you can go back to Neflixing and chilling. But I guarantee that soon enough the creative spark will catch and that ten minutes will turn into an hour, or even more.
4. TALK TO YOUR SUPPORT GROUP. Every writer needs a support group. Writing is an addiction, but instead of trying to kick the habit, we’re trying to keep it going. This could be a loved one or members of a writing group or a teacher. I know if it wasn’t for my writing group and my wife (who is also a writer) offering me encouragement, I might’ve not gotten back on the horse after it kicked me in the face. It wasn’t that they just told me what I wanted to hear. Rubbed my back and promised me everything was going to be okay. Like AA, they told me some hard truths. Yet they did it from a caring place. Because they’re all in this game too. They know how tough it can be. Which was why they were there to pick me up, slap me around a bit, let me cry their shirts sopping wet, then metaphorically sit me in front of that computer and cheer me on while I began writing again.
5. CELEBRATE NOT ONLY YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS, BUT THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF OTHERS. Yes, when you get accepted you should definitely celebrate. Go out for dinner or cocktails or buy yourself a cake or throw a dance party. However it is you celebrate a victory. But do it for others too, especially those in your support group. It’s true that June was not my month. July, so far, not much better. But people in my writing groups are having success. A couple of them got stories published or accepted. Another is in the middle of pitching a play. Another just had an agent ask for the entire manuscript of their novel. Not only am I proud and happy for all of them, but I find their achievements encouraging, because I know how hard they’ve worked and the struggles they’ve endured. It pushes me to move on past my current struggles and reach for the success that I know is out there.
6. USE YOUR REJECTIONS AS A REASON TO IMPROVE YOUR WRITING. As a writer, I’m always looking for ways on how I can grow. Rejections are a good time to look at your own writing and think about where you can improve. Sometimes publishers offer you feedback. Listen to what they have to say–or at least consider it. They may have insights on what you can do to, not only make that particular story stronger, but your writing in general. Even if you don’t get feedback, consider what about your writing might be weak or need some polishing. Lately, I’ve been concentrating on making my prose stronger. I’m looking at how I can make my sentences really pop. I’ve been reading articles on this subject then look at my stories to see where their advice could help strengthen that part of my writing. Maybe while you’re taking that break from writing you could read books on writing. There are plenty of them out there that are not only helpful, but extremely entertaining. If anything, revisit that story that just got rejected. You might find that there are ways you can make it more powerful or really standout.
Listen, every writer gets rejected. Sometimes even 12 to 13 times in a week. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks. And it’s okay to feel dejected. Nobody likes being turned down, especially when it’s something as personal as writing. But you got to suck it up and get back in the game.
Because the only way to win is to keep playing. Just expect that you won’t win every time.
06/10/2024: The Horror Community Is Not as Scary as You'd Expect
First of all, if you’ve never been to a Stokercon, and you’re thinking about going, I highly recommend reading my friend C.J. Goldberg’s Tips for Surviving Stokercon. Most of us who attend are introverts and I think he has some great insight on how people with social-anxiety issues can navigate the awesome, but at times exhausting, mega-horror event. I know I could have used the advice and I’ve definitely taken notes about what I’m going to do differently next year (I’ve already bought my tickets and booked my hotel room).
One tip of advice from me: DO NOT TRY TO DO EVERYTHING. For one thing, it’s impossible. For another, by the last day you’re dead on your feet. Lastly, leave a little “Me” time. As C.J. says, it helps if you have a room at the convention hotel because it’s easier to sneak away. But even if you don’t, bring along a notepad and a pen and find a hidden nook to escape. You’ll thank yourself later.
The fact I’m writing this a week after Stokercon ended should tell you it took me a while to process the whole thing. Also, I had to get over the adrenaline withdrawal and bout of depression I suffered after a weekend of excitement. Depression? you ask. Yes, depression. Depression of returning to my daily life of working alone inside an office doing a job I don’t particularly hate, but don’t love either. Depression of missing my friends. (The main highlight was finally meeting CJ and Ang from my online writer’s for the first time in person and spending a blissful weekend in their company.) Depression from being away from a place where I can talk about horror and writing without feeling judged.
For me, that was what made Stokercon special. I’d found a community where I felt I belonged. A community that accepts the weirdos and outcasts and geeks with open arms. A community where it’s okay to be an introvert or socially-awkward. A community that just wants you to enjoy yourself and have fun while you’re there. A community that not only accepts you for who you are, but inspires you to be who you are.
As you’ve probably guessed, I’m normally uncomfortable in big crowds. I’m the type of guy who stands in the dark corner at parties, sipping his drink, trying to think of something interesting to say to those around me, often blurting out something weird, before slinking back to my hole when everyone flashes me their raised brows. I won’t say I didn’t have my moments of shyness at Stokercon, especially the first day, but once I saw how accepting everyone was of each other, I started to relax and ease my way into conversations. It also helped that people came up and talk to me too. And not just attendees. Writers such as Keith Rosson (Fever House and The Devil By Name) and Clay McCleod Chapman (Ghost Eaters and What Kind of Mother) and Jo Kaplan (It Will Just Be Us). The great thing about the event was we were all there for the same reason: Our love of horror and writing.
My greatest fear is my anxiety. It far more frightening than any monster or slasher or supernatural being. Most of the time, other than when I’m with my wife, I have to face it alone. Stare into the dark unknown not knowing what will happen. Which is why it’s heartwarming knowing there are others like me out there. Others who will hold out there hand and walk through that tunnel with you. And the community at Stokercon know how to survive a horror story. You can bet your ass they’ll be ready to fight those demons with you.
Already I’m counting down the days on my calendar until next year’s Stokercon. It can’t come soon enough. But I’m happy to be part of the horror community. They definitely are not as scary as you’d expect.
05/07/2024: Scary Summertime Beach Reads For 2024
Here we are in May, only one month away from breaking out our swimtrunks/suits and our beach towels and heading down to the lake/ocean/or whatever body of water is near you, for fun and relaxation. And what better way to hang at the beach then with a good summer book to read to put you in that meditative mood. So today I decided to put together a list of thirteen horror books, one for every week (and unfortunately a terrifyingly unlucky number) to add to your summer reading list.
These are not in any particular order. I have not read any of these yet, so this is what I’ll be looking forward to reading as well while basking in the sun’s glow. Sorry anybody whose books comes out after summer. But don’t worry, you’ll make my fall reading list, which will probably come out around Halloween.
So, without further ado, here we go:
1. The House of Last Resort by Christopher Golden. Now I know this book was released back at the end of January, but it has resort in the name–though I’m pretty sure Christopher means something completely different–so how can I not add it to the list. It’s about an American couple who buys a home in an abandoned Italian town–because what could go wrong there? They begin to be haunted by shadows and strange voices whispering about the house. Because hidden within, the annex holds a deadly secret. For something stirs in the basement. I love what I’ve read of Christopher’s work and I expect this to be perfect for lying beneath the sun. How can you go wroing with the name like Golden, right?
2. Mantis by Erica Summers. So maybe you’re looking for something a little less…dreary. I have yet to read Erica Summers’ work, but I’m super-excited to tear into Mantis, especially since it’s being released by independent publisher, Rusty Ogre, who I’ve been meaning to check out. This sounds like a road trip romp, as chain-smoking bisexual Mantis and her group of outcasts battle a demon apocalypse while traversing through the southern United States. Mantis sells itself as a gory, blood soaked comedy, which I think is perfect for sun-tanning while sipping on a margarita.
3. Cymbals Eats Guitars by Josh Hanson. Maybe the beach really isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re more of a hiker. You like to go up into the mountains to look down upon the rest of the world. Then Cymbals Eats Guitars just might be for you. Okay, I’ll admit I’m interested in this one for two reasons: 1) I’m a musician and I can’t help but want to read a story about a band who makes a stop in a remote mountain town only to have their show interrupted by a train derailment and the town transforming into a hellish landscape. Sounds like a typical night on tour. 2) The book was published by another indie publisher, Black Hare Press, who I’ve been seriously meaning to check out.
4. Bruises on a Butterfly by Chad Lutzke. This novel is billed as Stand By Me meets Color Out of Space. And we all need a little coming-of-age meets cosmic horror for our summer nights while sitting on your porch beneath the stars. A young boy runsaway from an abusive home and lives in the fort he built out in the middle of a cornfield. What could possibly go wrong? That is until the young boy stumbles upon a strange object from space and he and his friends must save their town from the coming nightmare. I’ve been meaning to read Chad Lutzke for some time now and I figured this is the right time.
5. The Haunting of Velkwood by Gwendolyn Kistie. If you havent read this three-time Bram Stoker winner before, now is the time. She often reimagines classic gothic horror and turns it into original fiction that focuses heavily on women’s experience in our world. This novels seems to follow that same winning formula. It’s about three childhood friends who survive their town becoming ghosts, and are drawn back in to relive the horror of that night years later. This is a suburban ghost story that is sure to haunt you in your dreams.
6. Lord of the Feast by Tim Waggoner. You can’t go an entire summer without reading a cult story–at least I can’t. And this is about a cult that creates its own god. Holy shit! Of course, that goes horribly wrong–way worse idea than Frankenstein-and they have to kill the god and trap him in mystic stones. Nobody will ever find that, right? Even if they do, they won’t want to resurrect such a horrible creature. Wrong! Because Ethan does. And the only person who has a chance of stopping him is his cousin Kate, another offspring of the dreaded cult. Yep, this sounds like one you’ll want to read while BBQing burgers and brats in the backyard while the kids swim in the pool.
7. Oracle by Thomas Olde Heuvelet. Maybe horror is not exactly thing. You might be more into supernatural thrillers. Well, this one is sitting high on my list. Any time Heuvelt releases something new I’m right there to get it. I love that he’s trying out a new genre. This is about kids who find a shipwreck in a flower field. Yes, weird Goonies vibes. Then one of them enters the hatch and disappears. So the government enlists a retired occult specialist to figure out what happened. What he finds may be a door opening to unleash a creature from the watery depths. This could be like Lovecraft meets an Alex North thriller. Either way, I’m certainly on board. Surfboard that is. Because you can’t have a summer beach read list without at least one creature from the sea.
8. Grimroot by Bonnie Jo Stufflebeam. This is another humorous horror story that great for when you just want to chill with a glass of wine and some candles poolside. This is a story about if the bachelor was run by the Devil. A group of female contestants competing for the love of a Midwestern Man takes a dark turn when the prize ends up dead. They now enter a new game of elimination where they’ll have to face the demons inside their house, and the demons of their own. Who will survive to uncover reality TV’s gory secrets.
9. Youthjuice by E.K. Sathue. Okay, I’ve never read The Devil Wears Prada. But this is The Devil Wears Prada if that book was body horror. There’s a secret ingredient at the heart of HEBE’s new healthy skincare product. One woman must answer how far she’ll go to maintain her beauty. A slight jab at influencers and New York It-Girl Culture, this book seems it’s going to be as horrific as it is hilarious. You may want to avoid putting on any skin creams while reading this one. This could be your read while getting a manicure.
10. A Dark and Endless Sea by Blaine Daigle. I know I’m beating the Independent Publisher drum, but Wicked House putsout some great stuff and their covers are amazing, and I expect this novel to be no diffferent. Also, it takes place in the sea. It’s about a man who is lured by voices in his dreams to a small crab fishing boat to a world that is unimaginable and unescapable. This might be good for those who like to spend their summers daydreaming by the sea.
11. Cuckoo by Gretchen Felker-Martin. You can’t have summer without summer camp. But this is a conversion camp out of your nightmares that might give Crystal Lake a run for worst place to send your kids. Or best place if your don’t like your kids very much. Because this is a camp that wants to wear your skin. Can the survivors of his horrifying summer camp save the world from doom? Lucky for you, you only have to read to find out.
12. When the Night Falls by Glenn Rolfe. This novel literary has an antagonist known as the Beach Night Killer. How can it not be included? This is also being marketed as a horror novel that goes back to the days of fun paperback glory. That being said, you add ghosts and a romance with a monster and vampires in a beachside town and you have the makings of a classic. Grab yourself a cocktail and dip your toe in the pool of fear. I’ll bet the water is just fine!
13. The Haunted States of America. This is for you people out there who prefer to mix non-fiction in with their fiction. And well this just sounds like a fun and terrifying road trip to end your summer. Fifty-two different stories by fifty-two different authors that chronicles urban legends from across our great land. Everything from monsters to spectres to who knows what. So strap yourself in, because it’s going to be one hell of a ride.
Hope that I was maybe able to help you make those tough beach read choices. There’s plenty more out that I haven’t named, so if you have something you’d like to suggest, please feel free to email at jrblanes76@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you.
03/27/24: Don't Mess with a Leprechaun!
So, even though St. Paddy’s (not Patty, dear Americans) has come and gone, and all the drunks put to bed–well, maybe not in Chicago–it’s never too late to celebrate this month with a little essay about our dear Irish friend, the Leprechaun…
And why you shouldn’t mess with these tiny buggers.
Now, for most of us in the States, are first encounter with the green man was on a box of Lucky Charms, who by all accounts was very similar to our pals the Keebler elves. Well, there may be a reason for that.
Irish legends from back in the 8th century tell of tales of water spirits known as luchorpán who later bred with a household fairy and created the first Leprechaun. This is strange since as far as anyone knows there are no female Leprechauns. They small fellows seem to multiply all on their own. Who knows? Maybe they’re like our friends the Gremlins. Through some water on them, and they multiply. Of course, it could be beer instead of water, as Leprechauns were known for their alcholism, slipping into liquor cellars to get their drink on. But it’s understandable then why they’re grumpy bastards who hoard pots of gold. If a man can’t get laid then what else does he have to but drown his sorrow in riches.
One question that’s been asked for so long is how do the Leprechauns make their money? As everyone knows, the name Leprechaun comes from the Irish term, “leath brogan,” or shoemaker. That’s right they’re cobblers. You can think of them as the Al Bundy of Irish horror, though he was more of a salesperson than a shoemaker. But no shoemaker I’ve ever known–which admittedly is none–makes a ton of money….unless perhaps you’re the owner of Nike. Then if they’re not making a whole lot of money you could say they’re very good at saving it. Maybe it’s where we get the term penny pincher.
Yet others tell of a darker story about the Leprechaun’s pot of gold. They say that they use the money to trick humans by exposing our greedy hearts. Perhaps then, Leprechauns are not much different than stock brokers or casinos. They will use their wits to outsmart you of your money and leave you broke and desitute. They may not be as lucky as you think. I would not advise following a rainbow and trying to catch one.
But if you are greedy enough to try and catch a Lerpechaun, one place you might one to go is the Sliabh Foy Loop Trail in Carlingford, Ireland. It is believed to be the last known spot of a Leprechaun sighting. Sometime in the late 1980s, a businessman and pub owner with the very Irish name of PJ O’Hare was out for a hike when he stumbled upon a tiny skeleton in a littel hat, jacket, and trousers filled with gold coins in the center of burned grass that looked like it’d been struck by lighthing toward the top of the mountain. There are also rumors that PJ O’Hare came from a family of Leprechaun hunters. For fifty year, they kept one by the name of Sean Og in the basement of their pub and tried coercing into giving up his gold. Gold he’d stolen from the locals. Eventually he escaped in the early 2000s after he convinced his captors into a drinking contest in which he won easily. He slipped out the back door and was never seen again.
Maybe these are all fairytales and legends, but the stories seemed to convince the European Union to pass a law in 2009 protecting Leprechauns, since they’re considered an endangered species, with only 236 believed to still exist, roaming the countryside to trick you out of your wealth.
What I’m saying is, if you’re in Ireland–or anywhere for that matter–and you see a Leprechaun, don’t engage with them, even for a drink. You might wake up with your pockets empty.
02/22/24: Favorite Book Picks to Celebrate Black History Month
It’s been a super busy month, so I’m sorry I’m behind on this. I’ve been meaning to do this list for weeks. To celebrate Black History Month, I wanted to publish a list of books by black authors I think you should check out. This is not a complete list (I could be here all year naming all the amazing books by black authors) but I picked out ten of my favorites.
1. Erasure by Percival Everett. This may be my favorite book of all time. I’m not kidding. I have yet to see American Fiction, which is based on this book, but whether you’ve seen it or not, you should definitely read Percival’s Everett’s masterpiece. Than read his entire bibliography. He’s the most talented writer out there today.
2. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison. You can’t go wrong by choosing any novel in Morrison’s bibliography, but this is my favorite. The story of Milkman Dead is as uplifting as it is heartbreaking.
3. Parable of a Sower by Octavia Butler. This novel will destroy you with its truth about America. Even though it’s a dystopian novel, you can relate to everything that is going on and see parallels to what is happening in our country today.
4. The Between by Tananarive Due. I’m sure many will argue which is Ms. Due’s best novel, but this story about death frightened me to my core. It will leave you wondering what lies beyond the life we know.
5. Freshwater by Akwaeke Emezi. This is a spirit possession novel like no other. If you can even call it possession. The obanje are the definition of evil that traumatize the main character known as The Ada. You’ll never be the same after this novel.
6. The Ballad of Black Tom by Victor LaValle. This was my introduction to Lavalle. It’s a fresh take on H.P. Lovecraft’s “The Horror of Red Hook” from a unique point-of-view of a hustler and street musician. One of the best novels of the Cosmic Horror genre.
7. Babel-17 by Samuel Delany. This list wouldn’t be complete without sci-fi master Samuel Delany. In this masterpiece, he shows how language can be used as a weapon to control minds. It’s one of his scariest futures, especially considering how certain politicians are using language today to sell lies to destroy democracy.
8. A Lucky Man by Jamel Brinkley. This is a short story collection, but it has to be included on this list. Every story in A Lucky Man is told as if the author lived them. They’ll make you laugh, bring you to tears, and show you the world as you’ve never seen it before.
9. Razorblade Tears by S.A. Crosby. If you haven’t read Crosby yet, where have you been. This is crime fiction at its very best. A revenge story that will keep you in constant suspense while digging deep into what it means to be a man, a friend, a father, a son.
10. The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin. The entire Broken Earth Trilogy is worth reading, but it all starts here. Travel across the continent known as The Stillness and follow the stories of the Orogenes, The Guardians, and the Stone Eaters as they deal with the seismic activity that may bring on the extended winter known as The Fifth Season.
01/26/24: Horror Movie Scenes That Freaked Me Out
The start of 2024 has been good for me. I had a new story published on the Podcast Tales to Terrify, Episode 624. It’s about a pioneer family who faces an unnatural horror. If you haven’t checked it out, go to my Macabre Tales page and clink on the link for the story “Heart Rot.”
Just today, Stephen Graham Jones, author of the tremendous Indian Lake Trilogy and The Only Good Indians, released his 10 scariest scenes in horror films.
In reply, Mr. Paul Tremblay, author of A Head Full of Ghosts and Cabin at the End of the World (also known in film as Knock at the Cabin) replied with a list of his own.
So, that got me thinking. What do I think are the scariest horror movie moments of all time?
Without further ado, here we go (please note that some spoilers are to be expected!):
1. ZELDA’S SCREAMS IN PET SEMATARY (1989).
I saw this at way too young of an age. I was probably only 12, maybe 13. That laugh stayed with me for a long time. I couldn’t go to sleep without seeing Zelda crouching in the corner, waiting for me to open my eyes so she could run to the end of the bed and scream, “Never get out of bed again! Never get out of bed again!”
2. ELLIE REVEALED TO BE A SILVER SHAMROCK ANDROID.
Okay, not a lot of people love Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. There’s no Michael Meyers. But according to Carpenter, Halloween was originally meant as an anthology series of films were each would be different. As a child, the idea of everyone I knew turning out to be a robot scared the crap out of me. Mostly because the scene where Ellie attacks Dan and is revealed as an android gave me nightmares for years. Even today, I sometimes wonder if people I know are robots.
3. HARRY AND BECKY RETURN FROM BEING DROWNED.
There are several scenes I could include from the original Creepshow. Nathan’s reanimated skeleton from Father’s Day delivering Sylvia’s frosted head on a platter. The creature from The Crate. The ending of They’re Creeping Up On You. But Something To Tide You Over was the most frightening of them all. And when I first saw Harry and Becky return from their watery graves at Richard’s house I thought I’d never seen anything more frightening in my life.
4. THE MOUTHLESS SISTER FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
The third segment of the original Twilight Zone Movie, entitled “It’s a Good Life,” was to me one of the most frightening as a child. Maybe because how many times as a child did you fantasize you had the power to do whatever you wanted. Make your parents cook your favorite meals or force your uncle to pull an evil rabbit from a hat. Certainly, one of those would be the power to make your siblings shut up. That is until you see the frightening image of Anthony’s sister Sarah watching television. After that, I swear I was much nicer to be my brothers.
5. SPIDERWALK FROM IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS.
Many of you are going to argue that Exorcist did it first, but, if you remember, it didn’t make it into the original cut. So it wasn’t until In the Mouth of Madness that I saw anything like it. And it terrified me. When Linda comes walking around the car upside down, head turn on backwards, I leapt out of my sight. I was in high school at the time too. But I’d never seen anything like it before. And I’ll even argue that this spiderwalk is far scarier than the one in The Exorcist.
6. SLEDDING BEHEADING IN SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.
I had to include a video for this scene. An image wouldn’t do it justice. As a kid, there were hills all over where I lived. In the winter, my friends and I would spend all day and night sledding until our parents called us home for dinner. That being said, you could probably understand why this scene damaged me as a kid. You could bet anytime we went sledding after dark I expected a crazed Santa swinging an ax to pop out of nowhere.
7. FAST ZOMBIES.
Holy crap those things can move! That was my reaction to seeing the zombies for the first time in 28 Days Later. Admit it. How many of you had that same reaction? How could you not? Before this, zombies moved slower than my mother-in-law without her walker. They fucking hobbled. But this movie changed everything. After that, I never took zombies lightly again.
8. ZOMBIE BOY IN TERRIFIED.
There isn’t much that frightens me in films nowadays. Probably because my own paranoid mind is way more frightening. Sure, I’m susceptible to a jump scare now and then, but rarely do those last. When I talking about being scared, I’m talking about something you can shake. The Zombie Boy from the movie Terrified did just that. As much as I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. It left a lasting impression on me in the same way that Zelda did.
9. SNAKE CREATURE IN THE TAKING OF DEBORAH LOGAN.
Talking about things that scared me as an adult as much as Zelda did as a child. Deborah Logan. I’m going with the iconic scene just because the first time I saw it happened it floored me, but really Deborah Logan is frightening throughout the entire film. In my opinion, she may be the scariest character ever in horror. One of the reason that this film is in my top five favorite horror movies of all time. If you haven’t seen it, don’t watch it alone. I did and I wish I hadn’t.
10. SUICIDE IN MIDSOMMAR.
Last but not least in anyway…There are many frightening scenes in Midsommar. The elders jumping to their deaths off the cliff. The blood eagle. The burning bear. But none left as lasting impression as the opening suicide scene. Perhaps, because this is something that can happen. Has happened to many people’s loved ones. Ari Aster captures this moment in all its horrific glory. From the parents lying in bed, to the hoses running out to the garage, to the last image of Dani’s sister Terri, dead from breathing carbon monoxide through a mask, vomit covering her shirt, eyes completely clouded over. For me, this is probably THE most scariest moment in horror. Considering everything that happens in Midsommar, it’s that image of Terri’s death I couldn’t shake. It’s the one part of the movie I cover my eyes any time I watch it.
12/20/23: Gremlins: The Best Christmas Movie
Okay, many of you are going to argue Die Hard. It’s a classic, I get it. There may even be an argument for Better Off Dead or Batman Returns.
For you horror aficionados: Silent Night, Deadly Night or Krampus. And I love all those movies too. They’re all on heavy rotation during the month of December, along with several others. But for me there is one Christmas movie that stands out among the rest…
One that as a child scared the candy out of my stockings while making me laugh with a belly full of eggnog. One that plays with traditional holiday film tropes. One that teaches us a lesson much like classics such as A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life—just this lesson comes with a much darker price. The price of blood and gore.
The movie that I’m speaking of is Joe Dante’s twisted holiday tale, Gremlins.
Which of us who was a child in 1984—I was 8 at the time—didn’t wake up Christmas morning hoping our parents had bought us a Mogwai? I know I did. I got one, too. Only it was a puppet instead of a real live fuzzy creature you don’t stick under bright light, get wet, or feed after midnight—much like our dog. My Spike backpack was cool though. Many of the kids in my third-grade class were jealous. I was the cool kid for about a month.
But as I grew older, I came to realize that Gremlins was about more than just fuzzy creatures that if not taken care of transformed into hideous goblins who go on a murder spree and terrorize the fictional small town of Kingston Fall, Pennsylvania.
The movie encapsulates several Christmas themes: Commercialism. Greed. The belief in Santa Claus. Family. The Spirit of Christmas. Name another movie—go ahead Die Hard fans—that packages every aspect of the yuletide season into a perfect holiday tale. And Gremlins does it with a nice bloody red bow on top.
Now let us unwrap each of these themes to see how collectively they create the perfect holiday film.
What toy did you want so badly as a child that you bugged your parents—and Santa Claus—for months to buy. Was it a Tickle-Me-Elmo? Teddy Ruxpin? Frozen Elsa? For me, it was a Cabbage Patch doll.
Considering my aversion to children nowadays, it seems awfully silly that I’d want one of those chubby cheeked, dimpled abominations. And no, it wasn’t so I could set it on fire. But I was 7, and every kid in my class—those with money anyway—was getting one.
The craze in 1983 for Cabbage Patch Kids led to rioting and violence in department stores all across America. Shoppers knocking over shelves and display cases. Reports of fights and vicious attacks with baseball bats. For this reason, my parents would not buy me a Cabbage Patch Kid that year. I’d get one two years later after the craze died and I no longer was interested in the soft, plushy dolls. But every year, it seems kids across America will fall in love with a particular toy and parents will lose their minds doing anything to purchase their beloved children the thing they asked for. This, my friends, is consumerism at its worst.
Gremlins goes straight to the heart of this kind of violent consumerism.
In the beginning of the film, Randall Peltzer heads into Chinatown while out of town on business, searching for the perfect gift for his son, Billy. He finds it in the mogwai, Gizmo. But there’s one problem. The shopkeeper, Mr. Wing, refuses to sell Randall the cute pet, knowing the dangers it presents if handled irresponsibly. The same reason parents don’t want to buy their kids a dog, or their teenagers a brand-new car. Yet, Randall is able to convince Mr. Wing’s son to sell him Gizmo, but not before warning him about the three rules I mentioned earlier:
1. Keep them out of light.
2. Don’t spill water on them.
3. No feeding after midnight.
You can look at the shopkeeper’s child as the adult warning their kids that if they buy them this toy there are responsibilities that come with it. You get a video game you can’t play it until you do your homework.
See what I’m saying?
Of course, like all kids, Billy doesn’t follow the rules. He accidentally spills water on Gizmo, which spawns more mogwai. If this wasn’t bad enough, he’s then tricked into feeding the mogwai after midnight, therefore, transforming them into the goblins known as Gremlins. From there, chaos ensues, with many of the residents being murdered and the town practically lit on fire. The same way the Cabbage Patch Kid craze, along with many others—I’m looking at you Elmo and Teddy Ruxpin—drove adults into madness, turning them into another form of goblin, as they rioted in stores to grab their spoiled brats the gift they must own.
In this way, Gremlins talks about the dangers of consumerism, specifically during the Christmas holiday. The same reason I avoid Black Friday like the plague and do all my shopping on Amazon. It’s just as Mr. Wing says about western civilization at the end of the film when he collects Gizmo from the Peltzers. “You have done with the Mogwai what your society has done with all of your gifts.” It’s a lesson forty years later we still haven’t learned.
But consumerism isn’t the only way greed is addressed throughout the film. For Gremlins has its own version of Scrooge in the character of Ruby Deagle. She is a grouchy old woman hated by the residents of Kingston Falls. Like Scrooge, she owns the only bank in town and is very wealthy. She tries to collect on a loan from a starving mother, a Ms. Harris, before asking Billy for his beagle, Barney, because she believes the pet broke her snowman. She even threatens to kill the dog after it barks at her. Of course, Ruby Deagle meets a horrible death at the hands of the Gremlins. Is the movie saying that everyone that is greedy gets their just desserts? Not exactly.
I believe that Ruby Deagle is a symbol for capitalism. She is the influence of commercialism destroying the true meaning of Christmas. No, I’m not talking about the birth of Christ. I’m talking about being together with family and spending time with friends and loved ones. The holiday once valued giving to the less fortunate. Now it’s all about who can put on the biggest feast or afford the most expensive gifts. The act of giving has turned into the greediness of desire. Big companies advertising for weeks before the actual holiday to brainwash consumers into believing that they need this, this, this to squeeze as much profit as they possibly can from everyone’s cheer. For me, by killing Ruby Deagle, Gremlins is saying we need to destroy the greedy commercialized trends of Christmas and get back to what is important: being with family.
Do you remember when you found out about Santa Claus? I bet it wasn’t because your father broke his neck while climbing down a chimney. In the movie, this is exactly how Billy’s girlfriend Kate finds out the truth. So what is the film saying here? Should we not trick our kids into believing that a fat man with a white beard and red coat who flies around in a sled pulled by reindeers all night to deliver them their dreams? Well, maybe. But the point I really think it’s trying to make is that Christmas isn’t a happy time for all children. There are many whose parents can’t afford to buy them the presents they want, and therefore, the kids wonder why Santa is punishing them, even though maybe they’ve been good all year. Or how about poor orphans who have no parents, and maybe don’t receive presents at all. Or whose religion doesn’t allow the giving of gifts during the holiday. For these people, Christmas can be a lonely and depressing time and maybe we should be conscience of other’s pain.
The holidays are supposed to be about giving, and there are other ways to give that are not about material objects. You can a someone hand. Reach out to an old friend. Be with your family.
Gremlins doesn’t have the happiest endings for a Christmas film. The town is destroyed. There will be several funerals for those who died. Mr. Wing takes away Billy’s present—the loveable Gizmo—after delivering a stern lecture to the Peltzers.
But it’s the most realistic ending.
Because in the end, after you strip away the consumerism and greed and false beliefs, we’re left with what’s important: Family.
The Peltzers still have each other. They will sit down to their dinner and share some laughs—and perhaps shed a few tears—and drink a glass of eggnog around the tree. What more could anyone ask for?
And Mr. Wing did promise Billy that when he was responsible enough that Gizmo would be waiting for him at the store. Because Gizmo loves him, and Billy loves Gizmo. So on this holiday, if you take anything from this essay and the wonderful holiday film Gremlins, be responsible and respectful of others.
Because the last thing you want is for a pack of Gremlins to tear through your town.
11/10/23: My Visit to the Torture Museum
I never would’ve noticed it if I hadn’t been looking for it. The storefront was as inconspicuous as any boutique on State Street. Okay, except maybe for mural of the hooded executioner surrounded by a pile of skeletal corpses and the giant sign that says. “The Medieval Torture Museum.” But when you’re a Chicagoan who works downtown five days a week these types of advertisements are easily missed, especially when it’s in the shadow of the Chicago Theater.
Honestly, I would’ve never known about it, though I pass by there all the time, if my brother hadn’t taken his wife and daughter there. Yes, they’re that kind of family. Think the Munsters.
Anyway, his photos of the place caught my attention. I’d already seen the Insect Asylum and the Museum of Death in New Orleans. Though admittedly I’m not a huge fan of torture porn franchises like Hostel or Saw, I figured the museum was right up my alley. In some ways, I was right. There was some interesting history. And in other ways, I was very, very wrong.
The moment I walked through the door I was greeted by a gift shop of goblets and chalices and coffee mugs decorated in skulls. You could buy an array of torture devices. Safe for children, of course. Axes, Pears of Anguish, Heretic’s fork. All types of lovely trinkets to decorate your home.
A woman who looked like she’d tortured few people in her day greeted me and asked if I wanted a tour. When I tried to buy a ticket, she struggled to work their new POS system—our modern version of torment. Along with fax machines and printers and cellphones. Really any sort of technology is basically mental castration. I felt her agony and told her it was okay. I understood and to take her time. I don’t think she appreciated the sympathy. I’d never seen anyone more relieved to finish a transaction.
She asked if I wanted headphones with narration. Something about listening to a disembodied voice describing various ways of torture creeped me out. I kept picturing the evil clown Jigsaw. Money exchanged, she handed me my ticket and I was on my way.
I climbed the darkened staircase. The glow of candles shined on skulls embedded into the wall. Frightening metals masks and various tools of punishment hung from chains. Melancholic violins serenaded me to my doom. As I approached the second floor, I wondered if I’d made the right decision.
The honest truth, I’m being a bit hyperbolic. But what did impress was the curator’s collection and knowledge of the various methods of torture. This is also an interactive museum. Not that you have to worry about getting your head lopped off or body impaled.
As I wandered around, I strapped myself into an electric chair. Though I wasn’t actually electrocuted, I imagined the shock as the guard pulled the lever and the lightning ran through my veins, frying my brain into a pile of mush. I squeezed my fat ass into iron maiden. No one closed me inside, thankfully. For one thing, I’m claustrophobic. Second, I’m scared of the dark. Third, those sharp spikes probably hurt horribly. I pulled the rope of a pendulum and watched the blade swing above the terrified mannequin, his face screaming in anguish as he was sawed in half, guts and intestines spilling onto the floor. I pulled a lever and dunked a supposed witch into a vat of water. This really got to me. The sheer cruelty of brutally killing a woman because someone—a neighbor or relative or the church—believed she’d mingled with the devil. With no way to prove her innocence, they drowned her; the last minutes of her life struggling for breath.
The dioramas were fairly realistic—if you didn’t look too closely. The silicone dolls were subjected to the plethora of torment. It spun my head—and my guts—that man had invented so many ways to murder and maim each other. And this didn’t include some like crucifixion. Or more modern techniques such as necklacing (shoving a tire filled with gasoline over your shoulders, locking it in place, then lighting it on fire), shoving bamboo beneath the fingernails, or sticking a person in a white room where there is no audible noise. Not did it include some medieval tortures as elephant trampling, scaphism (being fed milk and honey to death) or saw torture (as you might’ve seen in the movie Terrifier).
That didn’t mean there weren’t plenty of torture to see. Six rooms of it to be exact. A man stretched across the rack. People cooked inside the Brazen Bull. A prisoner split in half while sitting on a wooden horse with bricks tied to their ankles. Another’s stomach and insides devoured by rats, snakes, insects. Or the infamous blood eagle, ala Midsommar. I think you get the point.
By the end of my tour, I was disgusted by humanity’s cruelty. It took an extremely sick person to devise these ways to brutally abuse their fellow man. I don’t know how anybody could wake up with their morning coffee and think I’m going to build a vice that goes over and crushes a person’s head. Then test it out on my neighbor. And I’m a horror writer. Though I dabble more in monsters and the supernatural than masked psychos putting unsuspecting victims through a series of sadistic and often deathly games.
And sadly new ways of torture are still being devised today.
After an hour, I’d seen enough. This is not a museum for the faint of heart, but if you enjoy learning about man’s viciousness and brutality, this is the place for you.
As I left that day, the poor woman at the counter still struggling with the POS system with a short line of customers waiting to buy tickets. She looked like she might pull her hair out. Still, this is nothing compared to what might have happened to her in medieval times for a similar mistake. At least at the end of her shift, she can leave with all her body parts intact.
10/09/23: Kitchen Hell-Holes and Halloween Horrors
I’m a little behind the ball this month. A hole to hell opened in my kitchen and I’m desperately trying to close it. That being said, here is a quick list of 31 horror novels you should read for Halloween:
1. Dark Harvest-Norman Partridge
2. My Best Friend’s Exorcism-Grady Hendrix
3. Pet Sematary-Stephen King
4. It Will Just Be Us-Jo Kaplan
5. Mexican Gothic-Silvia Morena-Garcia
6. The Remaking-Clay Mcleod Chapman
7. Scanlines-Todd Keisling
8. The Troop-Nick Cutter
9. Hex-Thomas Olde Heuvelt
10. Little Eve-Catriona Ward
11. The Hellbound Heart-Clive Barker
12. The Croning-Laird Barron
13. The Witching Hour-Anne Rice
14. Night Film-Marisha Pessl
15. Kill Creek-Scott Thomas
16. Something Wicked This Way Comes-Ray Bradbury
17. Haunted Nights Anthology-Ellen Datlow
18. Haunting of Hill House-Shirley Jackson
19. Hell House-Richard Matheson
20. All Hallows-Christopher Golden
21. The Exorcist-William Blatty
22. Psycho-Robert Bloch
23. Ghost Road Blues-Jonathan Maberry
24. Frankenstein-Mary Shelly
25. The Hunger-Alma Katsu
26. Till We Become Monsters-Amanda Headlee
27. The Good House-Tananarive Due
28. Within These Walls-Ania Ahlborn
29. The Ruins-Scott Smith
30. Empty House-Algernon Blackwood
31. House of Leaves-Mark Z. Danielewski
09/19/23: Lovecraftian Shadows Awaken...
My amazing wife Ao-Hui Lin has a story in the anthology “Shadows Over Main Street,” which includes John Langan, Ramsey Campbell, Clay McCleod Chapman, S.A. Crosby, and many more.
Check it out right here. It has tentacles.
08/11/23: On Providence and Lovecraft
I recently took a trip to Providence, Rhode Island and enjoyed a Lovecraft walking tour. In dedication, I decided to name my top ten Lovecraft stories. So, here it goes:
1. The Dunwich Horror
2. The Whisperer in Darkness
3. The Shadow Over Innsmouth
4. The Color Out of Space
5. Dreams in the Witch House
6. The Shunned House
7. The Call of Cthulhu
8. Rats in the Walls
9. The Case of Charles Dexter Ward
10. The Thing on the Doorstep
And with that said… please now enjoy a recreation of a fish-person from The Shadow Over Innsmouth!
07/01/23: A Magnified View of an Ant's Face
That is all.
06/01/23: Check Out Some Excellent Short Films at Alter
A short film from Laura Kulik called The Last Seance featured on ALTER and caught my eye (you can watch it above). If you’re a horror fan and haven’t watched any of their amazing films, then you should have your eyes yanked from their sockets.
Just kidding–because then you couldn’t watch their gory features. Definitely check out the selection of horrifying films on the ALTER YouTube Channel. Some absolute gems sit among them.
